


His Answer Lies Elsewhere

by Amilaari



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Established Relationship, Kolinahr, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-16 13:03:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2270760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amilaari/pseuds/Amilaari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Choosing to remove himself from the unknowns, choosing a familiar path - it was logical, was it not?<br/>It was not, considering all the facts - the facts he didn't want to think about."</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Answer Lies Elsewhere

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Innocentra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Innocentra/gifts).



> Well, a little late, but here it is nonetheless - happy birthday Innocentra!  
> I promised to write a Spirk fic, and my prompt was something along the lines of  
> "Spock fails to achieve Kolinahr, and goes back to Jim and the rest. Preferrably, Jim and Spock have been together before Spock attempts to achieve Kolinahr. In the same evening or the next morning after Spock's return he goes to find Jim".  
> I guess I deviated from it somewhat, but I hope you like it anyway!
> 
> This takes place after the five-year mission, and doesn't follow the canon of The Motion Picture.

_"Our ancestors cast out their animal passions on these very sands... saving our race through the attainment of Kolinahr"._

_"Kolinahr, through which all emotion is renounced and shed"._

**-:-**

Abruptly Spock opened his eyes and dragged in a short breath through his nose. Blinking once got him to focus, and casting a look around allowed him to recall his whereabouts - the room around him was dim and quiet, the air slightly cooler than was comfortable; perfectly suitable for mediation. The smell of flowers found its way to him again, reminding him of home - but the years spent serving on a starship, all the years away, had dulled the homeliness of the Vulcan orchid.  
He stood up, legs aching and slightly numb under him - peculiar, Spock quirked an eyebrow. To lose track of time while meditating was not unusual but to the point of ignoring physical discomfort was more so. Especially considering that Vulcans had a culture that taught meditation from early childhood, and masters could meditate for hours at a time without any issues. With a passing thought Spock wondered what the time was, but knew it was better not to - no need to make things more difficult. All that mattered was that he had three days left before he could begin, and then from two to six years, then the rest of his life - all the time he had believed he'd spend in Starfleet.  
Spock walked around the room, running his fingers on the simple furniture - the drawer against the wall, the small table on which was a bowl of fruit, all untouched - trying to trace them into his mental map of home. But even with all their simplicity none of them fit with the efficiency of his quarters on the Enterprise. Slowly Spock returned to his place on the floor, folded his legs underneath himself and placed his hands together. He pulled in a deep breath and released it, returning to his mediation.  
And slowly into his mind crept thoughts he didn't want to remember but what reluctant to let go.

**-:-**

_"May I come in, Captain?"_  
"Of course," Kirk smiled to the Vulcan waiting at the door of the captain's quarters, "And you know you can call me Jim by now".  
He must have noticed how Spock's expression remained unchanged, for his own got more serious.  
"What is it?" he asked.  
"I request that we revert our course to Vulcan".  
"Shore leave?" Kirk's brow creased in worry, "But, Spock... it isn't time for..." his voice trailed off, perhaps hoping Spock would interrupt him - he did not.  
"Is it?" Kirk then concluded for himself and looked up to the other man.  
"No, Captain," Spock said, clasping his hands behind his back, "I have requested for Starfleet to grant me a leave of absence for an undefined length of time".  
"What for?"  
"To undergo the Vulcan ritual of Kolinahr, Captain," Spock said - with that, a million questions coursing through his head became evident on Kirk's face; he decided to ask only one.  
"When will you be back?"  
Spock swallowed.  
"I do not know".  
The captain may not have believed in no-win scenarios, but the expression of utter defeat that mangled his calm appearance showed that he could definitely recognise one. The captain truly did wear his heart on his sleeve, Spock noted something he already knew a little too well.  
"Spock..." Kirk said, taking a step closer, his hand rising towards the other man - Spock kept his hands firmly clasped behind his back, subtly swaying away from the captain's intended touch that never reached him.  
"Captain..." Spock watched as the man's hand fell to his side, his fingers curling close to his palm, "Would you answer my question?"  
Kirk's mouth fell open like he wanted to say something, but he decided against himself - Spock knew just as well there was nothing to say, no question Kirk didn't already know the answer to, and yet all the words they didn't say pained him, Spock could tell. Still, there was nothing he could do.  
As if defeated, Kirk backed up to the back wall and the intercom on the it.  
"Kirk to bridge".  
"Chekov here, sir," answered the navigator through the intercom.  
"Plot a course to Vulcan, warp 3".  
Chekov didn't question the unexpected course change - perhaps he could sense Kirk's unwillingness to answer.  
"Aye, Captain - warp factor 3".

**-:-**

Spock's eyes widened as he opened them. Had the breath he took in been any more rapid, it could have been claimed to be a gasp. The memory was so strong, so vivid.  
That had been the last time he had gone to his captain's quarters - the journey to Vulcan he had spent in his own quarters, off duty, which Kirk had granted him without a word. He had refused visitors, even the food Nurse Chapel had brought to his door. He had needed time to think.  
His decision to undergo the ritual of Kolinahr hadn't been as sudden as the crew of the Enterprise thought. He had always been intrigued by the ritual, being able to achieve the self-discipline its completion required, and since childhood he had entertained the thought of undergoing it - after his Starfleet career, had later come to be the plan, but now... Here he was, on Vulcan, awaiting the proper time to begin training with the guidance of one of the elders.  
Why had he changed his plan? Their five-year mission had been drawing near its end, and with that, all his future had suddenly opened for him – all the possibilities he had prepared for, and those he hadn’t; the ones that had opened up only during his time on the ship due to certain, rather unexpected factors. And the possibilities caused by these factors, Spock didn’t know how they would affect him. He did not know what he should do with them, or how he should react to them. And having another being involved in them… Choosing to remove himself from the unknowns, choosing a familiar path - it was as logical, was it not?

It was not, considering all the facts - the facts he didn't want to think about.

To deny the truth would be illogical, but he wasn't denying anything; Spock had merely dismissed those facts as not important.  
But even if his Vulcan side could do that, his human side was gnawed by doubt which he could not deny. Subjective facts were perhaps not very scientific, but he could not think they did not have an impact on him. And there was scientific evidence that it was not entirely subjective experience - it could even be artificially induced. He had been through it on Omicron Ceti III. The plant spores on the planet had introduced him to all of it - and he had thought it all was real, but what he had come to know on the Enterprise was something more than the hollow happiness induced by the spores. Something so much more.  
He could try to rationalise it all but the truth was there were things he could not attribute to just biological functions. The truth was that it was in itself logical but the object of it was not. Not the way he saw it.  
However, deeming the facts unimportant based on their illogicality was not only very dismissive of their significance, but also disrespectful of the captain. Disrespectful of the past years and everything they had built up to.  
Doctor McCoy had promised that the word wasn't written into his book, and yet he was able to recognise it - he always had been. He had seen it around him, seen what the lack of it did, seen the good it could do and the damage it could cause. Spock wondered how something could be so familiar and yet so alien. He knew it in theory and he had seen it in practice, but he hadn't truly known it before. And the three words his mother had told him as a child that had held no significance then had suddenly come to mean so much.

Spock thought of his mother. His human mother, who had left Earth and left home to marry his father. Driven by one thing - it wasn't logic, like was his father's motivation. That one simple thing that was anything but simple. Humans attributed much to it and Spock was slowly beginning to understand why. He, too, had left home to pursue something - his career in Starfleet, but for a different reason. Ultimately, however, he had achieved exactly the same results - his life, all of it, was aboard the ship.  
And now he had run away from it.  
All that he had worked for, and the... benefits of it. And no matter how much he tried to justify it, the course of action he had taken was not logical. It was an action based on a primal instinct, something he thought his race had evolved beyond needing - humans relied on it more. He wasn't strictly either one though, so reactions of others could not predict those of his. There was no-one whose example to follow, but no-one to tell him what was right for him to do. For all, he had to rely on himself.  
Spock thought of his father. His Vulcan father, and sought guidance on what a Vulcan would do in a situation like his; where his interests contradicted the rule of non-emotion, but could be pursued by following a logical path.  
No matter what the answer, he knew it wasn't this. Not for humans, not for Vulcans, and not for him.  
Spock stood up from his spot and concluded once and for all that human emotion was not only illogical but also highly problematic for all involved.

**-:-**

"Captain, we're approaching Starbase 5".  
"Alright - standard orbit upon arrival, Mr. Sulu".  
"Aye, aye, sir".

Kirk rested his cheek on his on his closed fist. He had been distracted lately - the crew had allowed him that; they were an intelligent, self-sufficient crew, and on peaceful missions could function even without their captain. Kirk trusted the crew fully and allowed them to execute and complete his orders as they saw fit.  
He knew his crew, and his crew knew him - but they didn't know just how personal of a loss that of the first officer had really been. Starfleet Command had been pushing him to pick out a replacement, but Kirk wasn't ready to see anyone new at the science station. Mr. Chekov filled in as the acting science officer when it was needed, and that was enough for the captain for the moment. Of course he knew he had to take someone eventually, but a part of him hung on to irrational hope that their last meeting with Spock hadn't really been the last, and that somewhere along the line, the vague ‘I don’t know’ would turn into a definite answer, that everything could go back to the way it was right before Spock left.  
A part of him wanted to reach out to Spock, talk to him and try to convince him to come back, but he knew it would be of no use. Actually, it would most likely make things worse for him – he suspected too much emotion was the real reason for the Vulcan’s sudden departure, and more of it would certainly not make him come back. If there were things Spock needed to do on his own, Kirk suspected this was one of those. And the decision to stay away or come back, that had to be Spock’s own, too.  
And yet, how helpless Kirk felt and how heavy was the weight of not knowing – and the uncertainty; it could end any time, or the three weeks it had lasted now could turn into eternity.

"We are in orbit, Captain," Sulu announced, waking Kirk from his thoughts.  
They were due to a pickup of additional crew personnel to take to their rendezvous with the _Potemkin_.  
"Thank you, helmsman. Lieutenant Uhura, contact the base, announce our arrival".  
"Aye, sir," Uhura replied and turned to her station - soon she turned to the captain again.  
"Captain, base wishes confirmation - shall I put on audio?"  
"Yes," Kirk replied, "Thank you, Lieutenant".  
 _"Starbase 5 to Enterprise"._  
"Enterprise, this is Captain Kirk".  
 _"Prepare to receive additional crew - please acknowledge"._  
"Acknowledged, Enterprise out," said the captain, turned on the intercom.  
"Transporter room".  
 _"Scott here, sir,"_ came the reply over the intercom.  
"Stand by to beam aboard additional crew".  
 _"Aye, sir - standing by"._  
"Captain, Starbase 5 reports crew ready for beaming over," Uhura announced from her station.  
"Transporter room, beam up additional crew".

**-:-**

_"Transporter room to Captain"._  
"Kirk here".  
 _"All crew beamed aboard, we are ready to leave orbit"._  
Scott sounded like there was something he was not telling; but that wasn't at all like him, so Kirk brushed off the slight suspicion in the back of his mind, closed the intercom and continued giving his orders.  
"Mr. Sulu, take us out of orbit. Mr. Chekov, plot a course for..."

_"Permission to come aboard, Captain?"_

That voice - Kirk would have recognised it anywhere, and yet he couldn't believe his ears; he spun around to face the turbolift and froze on the spot.  
"Spock!"  
He could nothing but stare, taking in the sight of the Vulcan, hands clasped firmly behind his back. A minute, two, three passed in complete silence as happiness and disbelief filled Kirk’s mind – _was it really… it really was…_  
Spock cleared his throat.  
"Permission to come aboard, sir?"  
Kirk shook his head slightly to get back in focus - he was the captain and this was the bridge.  
"Ah, yes, of course, Mr. Spock," his smile fading into a small, polite one, "Welcome aboard".  
Spock nodded, and assumed his position at the science station, which Mr. Chekov kindly cleared out with a smile at the Commander.  
"Lieutenant, log Mr. Spock's Starfleet commission reactivated, effective immediately,"  
"Aye, sir".  
"And Mr. Spock," the captain continued, turning to his first officer, "I would like to see you in my quarters".  
"Yes, Captain".

**-:-**

The ride in the turbolift was a long and silent one, not filled with awkwardness but quiet anticipation, unsaid words too private to be spoken in an elevator.  
Kirk walked out first, and Spock followed, no more than three steps behind the man. They reached the captain's quarters and Kirk let them in - he watched the door close behind the Vulcan before turning his gaze to him. Spock took his place right in front of the captain, matching his gaze, only a cubit between them.  
"Spock," Kirk said, his face speaking a thousand questions, happy questions this time - Spock nodded; he would answer them all, in time. But the most important one he answered without a word as Kirk reached his hand towards him and gently wrapped his fingers around the Vulcan's wrist - he was there, with all the intention to stay.  
And the next thing the man in front of him said, his voice a mere whisper, was enough to let Spock know this was right.  
 _"Spock..."_

 

**-:-**

_"His answer lies elsewhere. He will not achieve his goal with us._ _Live long and prosper, Spock"._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> (The quotes in the beginning and the end are indeed from Star Trek: The Motion Picture)
> 
> This was my first attempt at writing TOS or Spirk, so don't be too hard on me!


End file.
